Santa Claus, or should I call him Satan Claws. There are rumours that his red cloak came from the Coca Cola’s attempt to increase their sales. That wouldn’t surprise me. His cloak, some say, was green back in the day. Santa sprouts from a variety of sources. Saint Niklaas in the Netherlands to Agia Nik in Cyprus, Satan was called ‘Old Nick’ and there are effigies and images of an old man giving out gifts such as food to the community. Some say this character was the Greene Man or even Jesus. The Greene Man, if he knocks on your door has to be let in, or your crops will fail. A lot of folklore gravitates around what it most important to people – fertility in the land and the womb and life after death. Not sure who made Nicholas a saint, but I’m sure as rumour, legend and heresay go all these things are things we throw into the soup of time and eventually they get mixed up and before you know it, you’ve got yourself something that keeps a smile on your child’s face.
For me Christmas is just some opportunity for these conglomerates to rip you off, to raise your stress levels when you’re shopping at the last minute like every fucker else. That’s why I shop at 5 in the morning at the 24 hours Sainsbury’s. Yes, I get up at about 5am because I’m old. All these charities come out of the fucking woodwork. If we had Communism we wouldn’t need these fucking charities. It’s a time of giving they say, a time of rejoicing, so what about the rest of the year? I took my 3 year old to see Santa on Saturday. £7 to queue up for 30 minutes for an audience with an overweight, sarcastic, piss taking bloke in a Red suit.
“What would you like for Christmas?” He asks my daughter.
“A house,” she says.
“A house? 2 or 3 bedroomed? Semi-detached, detached??”
“A pink house,” she replied. Always pink. Everything has to be pink.
My 11 year old son went to see Santa too – even though he knows Santa’s a myth concocted by the Bourgeoisie/Capitalistic classes to fool the lower classes. Anyway, he said he was on the good list and not the naughty list, which was a fucking lie!! They’re both monsters! NAUGHTY LIST!! They’re on the fucking top of the list!…… Rant over.
I’ve just taken out the paper rubbish and it’s warm outside. It’s the 22nd December for christ’s sake! The warmest year on record. Prepare for new species. We’re going to get immigration in the animal kingdom. In fact we’re seeing it already. There are species of marine life that normally live off the coast of Turkey. They’re hanging around the southern coastline of Britain. If you live on the coast, I’d start thinking about moving inland. For your grandchildren’s sake. Already we’re seeing an increase in erosion of the coastline. We’ve got plenty of land, but if we build houses everywhere it’s going to look like one gigantic Milton Keynes. Fuck that. We’re going to be consumed by the sea soon, so I think the building of floating communities is the realistic solution. It’ll be a while before we have large communities outside of earth so we might as well start looking under or on the sea. We’ve already got thousands of people on Oil rig installations and when the oil runs out this may be the only avenue of revenue.